This Isn't How It Ends- The Struggle to Stay Alive

I have always felt rejected that I tell myself it is nothing new. I grew up always overshadowed by siblings who shone like the sun in my parents' eyes. They could do no wrong. For a time I struggled to gain recognition until I just learned to let go. Finally realizing it was not worth the trouble.

The funny thing is... although I have accepted that I will never measure up... it didn't change the way it hurt. The pain of knowing you don't have anyone who's got your back. And so I grew up reclused and reserved, trusting only a handful of people who have managed to pierce through the quiet and cold shell of a person I portrayed.

I never liked crowds. I always thought I just needed one person, one. And I would pin all my hopes on that one person I was committed to. 

But sometimes, most days, the darkness became too real. And I ended up alone again.

I have raised my sons on my own, with no emotional support. When they said that it takes a village to raise a child, I became that village. They became the only reason why I remained. 

And then she came along. And she reminded me that I was still my own person. That I was allowed to feel. And that the darkness was something I didn't have to fight on my own. I thought I finally found my person. The one. Until she too left.

Move on... because there is no other choice. Keep moving. Because that is what is expected.

But I am tired. And I want to throw in the towel. Because every day is a bigger struggle than the last. And although I am with someone new... she has never been my person either.

It is gut-wrenching to know that love really is never enough. And only the dead are appreciated and revered.

I had hoped though... until I could hope no more. Until it was clear. There was no hope for me. There is no one for me. 

And though you all claim that you are here... no one really is here to talk when you need to. They will take it against you when you speak. They will use their pain as a defense... so don't even bother asking. 

And so you yell and scream at the top of your lungs as a last-ditch effort for someone... anyone to look your way and see all the red flags that you've been waiving. All the "I NEED HELP" cues. 

So maybe this is the end... even when I try to convince myself every day that this is not how it ends. But that is how it is... they listen when you are long gone. They ask the questions when you have stopped living. They tell you you are worth it when you no longer occupy space. They wish for you when you've become a fading memory.

So remind me...

Is this how it all ends?

Right Person? Right Timing?

 We come across many people in our lives. If we’re lucky, we get to keep those that truly belong. If we’re wise, we learn even from those that have a journey to make.

Let me tell you about the different kinds of people you will meet.

The right person will render timing obsolete. They will laugh at the notion of right timing, hold your hand, and walk into your shared future together, content knowing that they will have you by their side to deal with any challenges or difficulties life might throw your way. 

The right person will make any timing right.

You will meet people that will make you believe in fairytale endings. These people will make you fall in love even with the feeling of being in love. They will introduce you to yourself. They will set the standard for how you love and express yourself.

You will wait for the right time to tell them.

You will end up wondering if they could have been the one if only you had told them earlier. Stop wondering. These people are not right for you.

You will meet people that will teach you the true meaning of sacrifice. These people will make you understand how you can only love people and not save them. They will comfort you with the knowledge that people like you exist out there. They will unravel you with how well they understand you even from a distance.

You will wait for them to meet you halfway.

You will end up waiting for them on the bridge only to be left stranded. Stop waiting. These people are not right for you.

You will meet people that worship you. These people will pick up your pieces and build you up when you are scattered across the ground. They will heal you with their gentle touch and warm embrace. They will be a temporary shelter and yet you will end up building a permanent abode in them.

You will wait to visit them again.

You will end up spending the rest of your life wishing you could meet again. Stop wishing. These people are not right for you.

You will meet people that traumatize you. These people will ignite a fire inside you that refuses to burn out. They will bring out a fierce passion in you that you never knew existed. They will make everyone before them seem irrelevant until you have to slam the door on them.

You will wait to hear from them again.

You will end up burning alive as the flames engulf you while they calmly watch. Rise from the ashes. These people are not right for you.

You will meet people that bring the light back into your life. These people will enter your life unexpectedly, and quietly build a home inside your heart. They will restore your faith in humanity. They will be placed upon a pedestal, carefully crafted with respect and admiration, that no one before them has occupied.

You will wait for them to be ready.

You will find yourself hoping that your divergent roads will converge when the time is right. Stop hoping. These people are not right for you.

You see, with the right person, there will be no stopping. There will be no ifs or buts. There will be here and now.

With the right person, there will be no nights spent awake overthinking the situation until it is a mess inside your head.

With the right person, you will feel serene and peaceful because you know exactly where you stand with them.

The right person will take a chance on you. Just like you.

The right person will make a leap of faith and hope to be caught. Just like you.

The right person will place their trust in you, despite having their trust broken in the past. Just like you.

The right person will confidently hold out their heart in their hands and tenderly place it in yours for safekeeping, despite being aware of the possibility that you might be reckless with it. Just. Like. You.

The right person may be stuck in a wrong situation when you meet them, but that does not mean they will part ways with you. The right person will find a way to move forward with you instead of moving on at your expense.

The right person will not think twice about crossing the bridge. They will do so without you having to ask them, simply because they want to. They will do so because the prospect of being with you is enough to overcome any fear they might have.

The right person will render timing obsolete. They will laugh at the notion of right timing, hold your hand, and walk into your shared future together, content knowing that they will have you by their side to deal with any challenges or difficulties life might throw your way. The right person will make any timing right.

 the spaces between us

 is claimed by silence

 and painted with fear and doubt

 

we stand a breath away from each other

 longing to touch

 to kiss

 

to stop time

 as each tear falls

 the distance between us

 

deepens into a cavern

 filling an abyss of goodbye

 while we cloak our scars in darkness

 

and ignore our impending doom

 pretending we do not see it

 braving the chasm at whose edge we stood

 

restraining our thoughts

 from plunging to

 our demise